02
Oct
09

rules of engagement: The Male’s Guide to Homecoming

THE SINGLE GUY
by Kyle “Scoop” Yeldell
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kissing
You are unattached, not crazy and have moderate pockets. There is no better place to dip your feet in the pool than SpelHouse Homecoming, the bastion for upwardly mobile African-Americans.

If you are an alum, you have an in like no other in there is: a Morehouse degree. In Porter’s Five Forces, you have knocked down the ever elusive “barriers of entry,” the invisible walls that are up for every other man on this Earth who didn’t go to Dear Old Morehouse.

With that said, you must play it cool. Survey the scene this Homecoming. Go into your first party with a game plan to win by the end of the weekend. A win could be a hot night of drunken passion or the genesis of a budding fall love affair.

Either way, don’t set the bar too high if you weren’t very popular in undergrad. Even if you were, the stigma of being “the man” can also hinder you as much as it helps b/c then the chicks will think you can get it somewhere else and would defer to phantom competition.

Get to every party early and leave late to increase your chances of meeting Ms. (or the former Mrs.) Right. Do not buy every bad chick a drink, for you would be in serious debt. However, you shouldn’t stray far from the bar, b/c this is Homecoming and ALL of them will be there at some point during the night.

When you spark up a conversation with a lady, the entry way is based on your level of game. You can ask her when she graduated, if you follow up with a “I think I remember you around” or a “You look familiar but I didn’t go out much”, even if both are falsehoods. Do not bring up jobs or school until you feel like she actually wants to be engaged in a conversation with you.

You must remember that you are in the service business and the customer is always right, even if she is wrong. You are a serve-her, I mean server.

With tight quarters, you must know how to make her feel comfortable despite the uncomfortable situation of being squished between two football players who have been waiting to order a Jack and Coke.

Simply, ask to move to a better place to have a conversation. Because of this, maybe buy two drinks so you don’t have to return to the bar anytime soon. Get to the crux of her personality. You’re not new to the game, so you should know the basics: make her smile, be confident and look her in the eyes when you speak. Keep it simple, assess her interest in you and then close with exchanging phone numbers.

At this point, separate and then find another place to chill and occasionally look at who she goes and speaks to after you. If they are girls, pay attention if they are looking back at you. If so, notice their reactions. If not, just focus on who they are, so you don’t try to holla at them as well. If they are guys, notice how she is interacting with them. They could be former boyfriends, Morehouse brothers, platonic friends or dudes who wanna holla. Pay attention, but don’t gawk or stare.

If you see her after you get the number, once again play it cool, but act like she is there. Say something charming, then keep it moving.

At the end of the night, make sure you text/call her to make sure she got home safe. It’s a gentlemanly gesture no matter what your intentions are.

Repeat this throughout the weekend and you should be good.

THE HUNTER

by George Twopointoh

If you are the Hunter, you have to start by being honest. What makes you different than the average single guy? You have an objective. You have a purpose that if unfulfilled will disqualify you from future attendance at the Homecoming Festivities. In fact, it might lead you to eharmony.com. You are at a place in your life where you need consistency, but have no prospects. Deep down you have always wanted to marry a Spelman girl, but Howard, even Tufts girls aren’t looking so bad.

Last year, you were “that” dude. Why didn’t any body stop you? You stopped You and stopped up the hotel bathroom with whatever was coming out of your empty stomach riding a wave of Bacardi. Don’t remember? “We got the pictures, we seen ya…”

This might as well be a business trip for you. But there is no need to get all worked up. You’ve been in the gym, because you are The Hunter. You knew when this year’s Homecoming was…last year. Your ticket and hotel room have been booked since your birthday. Last October, you left Atlanta with an empty Win column and made two promises to yourself. One you would never drink light again and two, you weren’t leaving without a Win next year.

Let’s make sure you keep your promise…both of them.

thehunterThink of Homecoming as two days and 3 nights. That is absolutely all you have, so you have to be functional at all events. This doesn’t mean that you can’t drink, it just means that you may wanna pull the string on the pre-game power hour this year. Drink dark and dark only. Dark alcohol puts you in a different space, a space that you need to maintain for this long weekend. It also helps your game. She may not remember you tossing back mixed drinks last year, but she will notice that you like your Yak neat or with one or two place-holding ice cubes this year. Dark liquor has a different pace, one that requires patience and will set the meter to your presentation. Remember this is a business trip and you are presenting yourself…as a candidate for a possible merger.

Get dressed. Wear something that you feel comfortable in. Don’t try and wear what you see on the mannequins in H&M. Keep it simple, a hunter cannot be seen by his prey before he sees them. If you were to fail with a disagreeable doe, the last thing you need is her telling the rest of her herd to watch out for “The guy with the mohawk and the lumberjack jacket, Jesus piece, suede sneakers and Diddy shades.” Be memorable for more than your clothes. But look good enough for her to want to claim you when the Facebook photos start popping up on Monday morning.

You have to know what you do for a living. This is a must. Think of your occupation as a tweet, put it into 140 characters or less. Be prepared to answer questions or add color if she asks or seems interested, but the initial presentation should be black and white. Let her be more impressed with the fact that she can see your line up in the dark of the club or smell your Eau de Toilette over the smoke of the BBQ at tailgate.

Have a plan. What would you do if she said, “Yes” to anything. “Yes, I’ll leave the party with you…early.” It would be good to have a rental. “Yes, you can have my phone number.” Your phone ought to have some battery life left. “Yes, I drink.” You should have some conversation for her as you walk her to the bar.

Look, Hunter, it’s been a tough year and the Michigan or Boston you are coming from is already showing signs of being colder than the Ski Trips to the Poconos that you may have to go on with the Young Professionals if you don’t get a win in Atlanta this year.

You need a win, Hunter. Check all your gear. Pick a theme song, (because every superhero needs one) and repeat after Jay, “..I will not lose.”

THE ATTACHED
by Bryce Adams

Spelhouse Homecoming has as much glitz & glamour, beauty, pagentry and temptation as the Palms Casino. For the Attached Gentleman navigating homecoming weekend is a winner takes all game of high stakes poker.

The Attached Gentleman is a high roller. Throughout the weekend the Attached Gentleman is obligated to go all in while realizing the risk/reward ratio attached to his actions is infinite. He’s playing with house money and if he correctly plays the hand he’s been dealt he can hit the jackpot.

hunterIf the attached gentleman’s girlfriend is a Spelmanite she will have her own Homecoming agenda. She will no doubt venture off to qui qui with her girls, attend brunches, tent hop etc. The sharks will circle but the Attached gentleman has too much swagger to worry about competition. Where lesser men might become insecure about old flames reigniting the Attached Gentleman maximizes every opportunity to survey the room and precisely pick the dealer he thinks he can win with.

The Attached Gentleman’s girl already told her friends, sorrors, and classmates how great he is and how happy they are. If you don’t believe her she’s got the Facebook albums to prove it. This raises the stakes for the one “friend” who’s more of a hanger on than confidant. This young lady has no problem playing the Alicia Key’s to his Swizz Beats and will pull the Attached Gentleman’s card if given the opportunity.

If the Attached Gentleman’s girl is a non-Spelmanite there are more chances to win than a game of Roulette. Even in the Facebook generation she is the Big Joker, a wild card if you will. The ladies of 350 Spelman Lane can be territorial as it pertains to their Morehouse Brothers, ask a sister from Bennett, and they will certainly wonder what SHE did to get HIM that THEY didn’t.

A Spelman sister has less loyalty to an outsider thus she can be more aggressive in her pursuit of the Attached Gentleman. The Attached Gentleman should be prepared to see through any pursuers bluff until the River Card shows.

The Attached Gentleman is sure to be a hot commodity because having a girlfriend makes him all the more desirable. At homecoming the Attached Gentleman knows that the odds of remaining faithful diminish as soon as he sets foot in the Casino. He should put all his cards on the table and keep his poker face on all weekend.

Homecoming ups the anti for all players invovlved. Every Attached Gentlemen in attendance has the chance to be Danny Ocean. It’s their call.

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14 Responses to “rules of engagement: The Male’s Guide to Homecoming”


  1. 1 Joe.From.Dallas
    October 2, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Give me time.

  2. 3 @trgriff
    October 2, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    great use of the word “qui-qui” @nycebryce

  3. 5 B. Rand
    October 2, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Battery life!

  4. 6 david c
    October 2, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    fantastic piece. Loved reading every word. Be well, my brother.

  5. 7 b.citizen
    October 2, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    Well thought out and articulated, gentleman. May the best man “win”.

  6. October 5, 2009 at 10:48 am

    This is def FTW.. Players have ur poker face on, swag game up, and mints in ur pocket.

  7. 9 'Zo
    October 5, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    As expected, very well written… Had me DYING as every single Morehouse Man has definitely played all three roles. LOL! Ya’ll boys are fooooooool’s for this one. Preach!

  8. October 17, 2009 at 8:13 am

    Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.
    LOL,

  9. 11 damestatus
    October 23, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    shit is on point.

    damestatus, morehouse 00

  10. October 13, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Word. Too bad my dumb ass forgets to check calendars. I just left Atlanta, and didn’t even make the trip to Columbus for the House-‘skegee game. There’s always 2011. Def gonna bookmark this though, good read.


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