To Be or Not To Be: My spouse…

Many of us are entering a moment in our lives when it is time to start thinking about our qualifications. No, not our resume, but our dowry. Yes fellas, it’s 2009 and the new dowry is the credit score. I decided to ask some of your favorite minds what they had on their list of things a man or woman must have going for them before they can start going with them. Keep in mind that I asked each panelist for three (3) qualifiers so as to even each presentation.

As Latifah said…”Ladies First”

Saida Grundy says it quite simply: “…must be black or majorly militant revolutionary person of color if not black..must be highly intellectual and… must have a genuine and kind heart.


Joe Carlos offers: “To be my spouse, a woman must have ambition, strong character and overall warmth. Ambition career-wise, and as it pertains to the plans and goals of our family life. Strong character to counter-balance my thoughts and challenge me and to learn from and lean on. Overall warmth is calming, it’s soothing, and it reminds me that in the end, as long as I’ve got her, everything will be alright. Those three things I believe will serve me well throughout marriage and through the journey of our life together.”

Liz Burr on her “bare necessities”: A serious relationship with God… funnier than me …and must have good decision-making skills.

Liza Gates offers a more detailed look into her : Bravery. I suppose that’s terribly reductive – to have only one “qualifier” as you say – but it is the only thing I look for (or will look for, i guess). It seems much harder to face the same person each day after (s)he has inevitably become speckled with your faults, your fears, your “old you” that you wish you could run from…. and it requires some level of courage to endure. Lovers (long standing lovers anyway) become archives of sorts and it takes a very brave person to face who (s)he was and still be able to see where (s)he is going. I haven’t quite found anyone with that quality, but I know its out there. Life is far too long and far too beautiful to be driven by fear. Most men i’ve dated have been categorically “brave,” but never in a well rounded way that would speak to an empowered marriage. Oh, and I would very much like my spouse to also have signs of a curious past. And not mysterious wounds n’ shit – but rather a stone in his room from the arctic or a street sign he had stolen for his first tree house. Lovely little trimmings of a full life.

So in fact I have two “qualifiers” : bravery and curiosity. I could never love a man who didn’t “dare” (so to speak) and it takes an overwhelming amount of curiosity and bravery to be daring.

Benny Walk is quick and to the point with his response: “Believe. Grind. Spoon.”

Our resident throat kicker Tiff Griff says she needs her betrothed to be capable of these three things: “Talking though a problem/disagreement and coming to a working solution, being financially responsible, managing and re-directing my “crazy” and capable of trust and honesty obviously…but I demand that of all ppl close to me”.

Molly Franken :Motivation/drive (Whatever it’s towards I do not care. This is twofold as I know if he is driven he will more than likely understand my unconventional career & the time I want to invest in it) Above average communicative skills (preferably excellent) Ability to love hard & steadfast. Special honors goes to a man who gives amazing back rubs. A man that knows when I need to be heard & when he needs to ‘check me’, so to speak. I have a strong personality and I need him to have the ability to do both and ride that fine line.

Candace Rodney is obviously looking for someone who bends the rules as well as she does: “Wow. This is such a tough question, especially with trying to limit it to three qualifiers. Can’t do it…I have five non-negotiable qualifiers. My spouse and I have to be compatible on the following: spirituality, financial fitness, personality, sex and goals. If we can’t compromise or see eye to eye on any of the five, he might be a great guy, but not the spouse for me.”

Leigh Dav is ready to build a home with:”… loving and trustworthy and wants kids…financially stable (and) belief in Jesus.”

Randi Brown begins where Leigh left off with:  Trust in GOD. Trust in himself. Trust in me.

Oh Me? I should answer shouldn’t I? Well, I guess I am still figuring it out. But I do know this:
1. She must cook (better than I can)
2. She must be able to convince me to wake up and go to church.
3. She must be able to make up for what I lack in looks, because I want beautiful children that don’t have to “grow into their faces.”


1 Response to “To Be or Not To Be: My spouse…”

  1. September 23, 2009 at 11:31 am

    These are what I call “non negotiables.” Interesting to talk to singles about this. What we don’t hear/read/see about is the next step. Perhaps talking to married folk who actually found who they were hoping for…

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